3 Strategies to Overcome the Most Stressful Part of Daughterhood
There is almost nothing in life more stressful than feeling like you are 100 percent responsible for a situation over which you have zero control.
This is happening a lot these days in my house because somehow, somewhere, my daughter has grown into a teenager and I’ve lost control of all but the biggest decisions in her life.
At least she’s my daughter and I am nominally in charge. So as stressful as it is, it’s only a fraction of the stress women face when they feel like they’re entirely responsible for their parents’ health and safety, but, at the same time, have no control over their parents behavior or the choices they make.
This is a recipe for a nervous breakdown — when you have all of the responsibility but none of the authority!
I have so many stories from Daughterhood readers about their parents who they need to ….. Go to the doctor, get down off the ladder, exercise more, stop driving, move to a safer place, hire a home care aide, and on and on. But, their parents, for whatever reason, WON’T do these things.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this problem we have of taking responsibility for the very things we can never control and I’ve come up with three ways of changing how you think about your situation that can help reduce your stress.
Let Go of Some Responsibility
Chew on this for a minute…. Just because you’re the daughter does not mean that you are responsible for everything that happens to your parent or that you have to figure everything out and solve every problem.
Unfortunately, as women, it seems we really, really have this tendency to take responsibility for things that aren’t our responsibility. And,I can tell you from my own experience that it’s an energy drain. So, my advice is to try to remember that everyone else’s bad days are not your problem to fix.
I’m here to tell you that you DO NOT have an obligation to solve every problem for everyone. In fact, learning to NOT try and solve everyone’s problems is part of setting good boundaries. And good boundaries, hard as they are to set, always lead to less long-term stress.
Read: 5 Lessons in Setting Boundaries that Every Caregiver Must Learn
Maybe try to consider letting go of how much responsibility you take. For example, it’s not your responsibility to make your parent go to the doctor when he or she just won’t go, just like it’s also not your responsibility to make your sister feel better that she’s not there to help you.
Let Go of Outcomes
Unfortunately, it’s the consequences of your parent’s decisions that can be especially hard to let go. Particularly when these decisions create problems and suffering for them and more work and challenges for you.
If my mother doesn’t stop climbing the ladder, she will fall and really hurt herself. And, I don’t want anything bad to happen to her life or mine so I MUST GET HER OFF THAT LADDER!!
But, consider this for a minute. Let’s say that she does fall and hurt herself, upturning your lives. The truth is that somehow you’ll both still be able to handle it and ultimately you’ll be okay.
As hard as it is to get to this place, when you’re able to realize that you’ll be okay no matter what the outcome — no matter what anyone thinks about you or how complicated your life gets — then, you will be operating from a place of peace.
I recently heard Maria Shriver talk about how her mother rejected every home care aide they hired to help her. And, how frustrating it was. After some time in contemplation and prayer about the situation, Maria realized that her job was not to control her mother’s decisions but to be compassionate about what her mother was going through. Once she let go of trying to persuade her mother to accept an aide, she was able to relate to her mother’s experience of being unable to care for herself. And, that relating made all the difference.
But none of that would have been possible unless she abandoned trying to control the outcome.
Get Perspective
Based on my experience, I’m convinced that much of human suffering is a matter of perspective. In fact, I read somewhere that even in some of the world’s worst slums in India, where food and shelter are scarce, there is bickering and squabbling among neighbors about trivial social conflicts — no different than you’d find in upper-middle class American suburbs.
I believe firmly that this is all a matter of letting your world get too small. When something bothers us, it’s so easy to let that small problem take up the entire lens of our vision.
In the isolation of caring for your parents, it’s so easy to lose perspective, and let your world get really small. You just have to fight against that.
The key is to widen your lens connecting to people and things that are bigger than yourself and finding inspiration in the world. There are tons of ways to do this but some that work well for me include gardening, walking in nature, watching an inspiring movie, reading a great book, and getting together with friends. Also, talking to a professional counselor can be a good move.
I hesitate to suggest volunteering since you’re already taking care of other people most of the time. But, you might enjoy volunteering to help other caregivers and there are lots of avenues to do this, not the least of which is starting a Daughterhood Circle in your community.
The bottom line here is that, if you’re feeling really stressed and anxious about the consequences of decisions your parents are making that you can’t control, you must remember this: The consequences are theirs and it’s not your responsibility to fix every situation. Just try and focus on letting go and getting perspective. Make that your daily practice and know that, no matter what, you and your parents are going to be okay.
This is such a good article, Anne. Thank you.
I am so glad you found it helpful!
Love this post – and thank you for the reinforcement. Daughter caring for both 90 year old parents – living with me!
Lisa
P.S. If a Circle is in my area – I’d love to participate.
thank you for this post – both my 90 year old very determined parents live with me. Most days are a bit of a power struggle!
Thank you so very much,,I needed to read that. I’m really interested in starting a Daughterhood in my community,,if you could send me some info for that,,I really would be greatful. God Bless
Always so inspired – I might add one piece that treads the thin line of controversy. That is the “faith” component…since EVERYTHING in our world is ultimately out of our realm of “control” (except for our responses to situations), IF we have something that we can deposit our feelings, frustrations, joys, sorrows etc in, it lessens our grip of “control”. Control is an illusion…none of us know when our last breath will be. None of us can control others behaviors or choices. For me, raising 20-somethings where I now have the perception of ZERO influence/”control”, it is truly an act of faith when I get up each morning and deposit each daughter at the “foot of the cross”. As you so brilliantly point out, it’s all a matter of “letting our world get too small” and viewing our current situations from a lens that doesn’t give us a big enough picture. If we have a focus on something much bigger than we are, it widens the scope of the lens – for me, it is my faith journey. Once my perspective changed (my viewpoint), I was able to “let go” easier, because, after all, who am I to argue with God? Having CIRCLES in your life of family, church, support (like Daughterhood) widens the aperture of the lens to allow more light in and, as evidenced by the response you have among your blogettes (my word for blog followers). Adding one more circle…one of a religious nature, whatever your “religion is, allows you to relinquish that illusion of control to the appropriate Author of life. I am deeply grateful for your wisdom, insight and common sense and am privileged to be forever linked to you!
Letting go is not my strong suit. And in some respects (like driving) it’s irresponsible to say “the consequence is theirs” – I’m not sure it would comfort me if she kills or injures someone on the road, because I let her keep driving. But I get it, conceptually. Still very difficult to feel her stress and ignore it or not be able to ease it.
This link was just forwarded to me, so I look forward to exploring it more.
I really appreciate your articles/information. As an only child who is caring for my Mom, I feel like Daughterhood has my back. I am fortunate. My mother is 89. She is still very active. Thankfully she gave up driving, and has a dear friend who picks her up and they both attend a senior exercise class and a Bible study. She still enjoys “some” cooking but not alot. I make frozen dinners for her, and then if she wants to make a stew and feels like it she can, and if not she has a balanced meal to heat up. She recently had a health scare, and I must say, I became very frustrated with trying to make some changes in her home for her own safety. Luckily, she made some better choices and things worked out. If there is a group in the New Mexico area I would be interested in participating. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this article. I don’t feel so alone in my situation…I am an adult daughter taking care of my my mom who has cancer. Your other articles have helped me as well. 🙂
Thanks for your comment! So, glad the article was helpful!
Thank you so much for Daughterhood. My husband and I made the decision to sell everything we owned and leave careers to care for his mother who has Alzheimer’s. There are days-days that I want to scream and cry and shout. Never at her, but the situation. Reading your words helps so much. Gentle reminders of what’s doable and what to let go.
Really appreciate this article…thank you. It ties in with my mindfulness practice and I have learned, and am still learning, to let go of things that cannot be changed. I can only do what I can do, and I am refusing to compare myself to an unrealistic model. I am also grateful for all that I have been able to do to… care for my dad, sister, and mother.
Taking care of a parent strikes me as not that much different from raising young adults. You can warn them,worry about them etc but can’t control them or their actions much like your parents could not control yours. All you can do is let go,pick up the pieces and love them,exactly like your parents did when raiding you.