Daughterhood Blog - Daughterhood

September 29, 2016September 29, 2016 by Anne Tumlinson

3 Powerful Ways to Avoid the Hospital

Americans have a love affair with hospitals.

We tend to think of doctors and nurses as the people who were working hard to make good grades while the rest of us were skipping class. I am pretty sure my brilliant, doctor friend Heather was walking around with a stethoscope at age four while I was still sticking Play-Doh up my nose.

This romantic affection for hospitals is not entirely misplaced. There are zillions of people who need life-saving surgery and who live longer because a hospital was able to treat them effectively. ERs in public hospitals handle an onslaught of some of society’s toughest cases; drug addiction, mental illness, and homelessness.

But, you don’t want to start your caregiver journey in a hospital.

September 14, 2016September 14, 2016 by Anne Tumlinson

4 Things You Must Know When Picking a Home Care Agency

Everyone says that they want to stay at home as they age. And, actually most of the frail older adults living in this country today are, in fact, living in a home setting. Really very few live in nursing homes or assisted living facilities.

Now you might think that this is pretty great — our parents want to be at home and we want them at home. The problem, though, is that the vast majority of frail older adults living at home are 100% being cared for by their family and friends. And if you’re the one doing this work, you know that caring for a frail older adult without help is very, very hard.

One way to make it a little easier is to hire someone to help. But, many daughters can’t go this route because one, it’s expensive and two, it’s not covered by insurance. Medicare does not cover the expense of a home care aide — even for very sick people. The program does have a “home health” benefit but it’s extremely limited and pretty much only covers therapy…not ongoing help with basic needs.

in Uncategorized 4 comments

August 31, 2016September 6, 2016 by Anne Tumlinson

What Caregivers Really Want Their Friends to Know

Remember when your first friends entered parenthood and you thought they seemed so boring and self-absorbed.

And, then… you had a baby and you got it?

Well, that’s happening again. Only this time, it’s because some of us have started taking care of our aging parents. And others are wondering what happened to their fun friends.

The truth is, caring for aging parents is an experience that’s hard to relate to unless you’re going through it. None of us can easily imagine just what life is like with a parent who needs help doing the simplest things like eating, getting in and out of bed or god forbid, going to the bathroom.

in Common Challenges / Feeling Guilty / Feeling Overwhelmed / Uncategorized 21 comments

August 3, 2016 by Anne Tumlinson

Medicare Therapy Rules Made Easy

Most of us take for granted that we can get out of bed in the morning and do all the things necessary to head out and face our day. You know… the simple everyday things like moving around our house, showering, getting dressed and eating breakfast. I might be a little foggy most mornings but I don’t think about whether I’ll face an enormous challenge in measuring out the coffee or pouring the milk. The point is the routine is just that…routine.

But if your parent is frail, you know that there’s nothing routine about these activities — that for them, doing even the simplest things just can’t be taken for granted anymore.

The mobility and functioning that’s essential to independence and safety suddenly becomes a big effort. And, Daughterhood really happens when we have to get involved in helping our parents do the things that they can no longer do by themselves. This is when their lives and ours get hard.

in Assisted Living / Common Challenges / Home Care / Medicaid / Medicare / Paying for Care / Resources / Uncategorized / Your Parent's Hospitalization 10 comments

July 20, 2016July 20, 2016 by Anne Tumlinson

A Go-To Guide For Understanding Your Aging Parents’ Rehabilitation

I was 30 weeks pregnant with my daughter when a routine doctor’s visit uncovered the fact that a disconnected placenta had cut her off from getting food and water. Essentially, she was starving in utero. Later that same day, my girl was born by emergency C-section weighing in at just over 2 pounds.

Her early birth kicked off years of specialized healthcare and education, most of which was therapy to help her walk, talk and manipulate the tools she’d need to do even the simplest things like eat, use a pencil, and play with her toys.

I’m happy to report that today she’s a strapping 5’7” teenager who plays softball and the piano. And, while her gritty personality had a lot to do with her success, so did the physical, occupational and speech therapists working with her.

in Assisted Living / Common Challenges / Feeling Overwhelmed / Medicaid / Medicare / Paying for Care / Resources / Uncategorized 3 comments

July 6, 2016July 6, 2016 by Anne Tumlinson

Creating a Resilient Response to Loss: The Special Challenge of Dementia

I’ve said many times that few things are more disorienting than the shift from being cared for by your parents to caring for your parents. The only thing that makes it harder is when your parent (or spouse) has dementia. This is quite possibly the most challenging of all situations.

Every Sunday, I allow myself the pleasure of spending time on Krista Tippett’s website, www.onbeing.org. A couple of weeks ago, I stumbled onto a podcast entitled, “The Myth of Closure” with family therapist Pauline Boss.

She’s coined the phrase “ambiguous loss,” which I find revelatory. Ambiguous loss refers to “a loss that is unclear, that has no resolution or closure”…. Where a loved one’s “status as absent or present remains hazy.”

in Common Challenges / End-of-Life / Feeling Overwhelmed / Navigating Change and Letting Go / Resources / Uncategorized 6 comments

June 22, 2016June 23, 2016 by Anne Tumlinson

What to Do When Your Best Efforts Aren’t Good Enough

My neighbor George is not a daughter but he’s certainly part of the daughterhood. You see, until a year ago, he spent most of his time taking care of his parents in the home they shared.

Now, from my perspective, he was the best kind of son any parents could hope to have and he fully embodied the spirit of honoring your mother and father.

But from his perspective, he was constantly failing.

Once he relayed a story to me about how he was in the kitchen one night making dinner for his parents – both bed bound in different rooms upstairs. As he’s running the food trays up and down the stairs, as he did for every meal, suddenly his mother calls out, “Come sit with me.”

in Assisted Living / End-of-Life / Feeling Guilty / Feeling Overwhelmed / Navigating Change and Letting Go / Uncategorized 4 comments

June 10, 2016June 10, 2016 by Anne Tumlinson

A Daughter’s Guide to Hiring the Right Aging Care Professional

Recently when I was talking to a friend about daughterhood, she asked me, “Why isn’t there someone I can pay to help me figure out how to get the best care for my mom? You know, someone who can help me navigate the system.”

That’s a really good question. There are, in fact, many different types of professionals you can hire to help out when your parent needs care.

One problem, though, is that, many of the daughters I know are reluctant to pay out of pocket for –- sometimes expensive –- professionals to perform tasks that they feel they should be able to do themselves.

in Uncategorized 3 comments

May 3, 2016June 28, 2016 by Anne Tumlinson

Are You Ready to Make Healthcare Decisions for Your Parents? Six Steps to Prepare You Now

A reality of our healthcare system is that it’s really good at keeping people alive way past the point that they’re aware of being alive.

As a result, our parents stand a good chance of ending up in either a healthcare crisis or end-of-life situation where they can’t speak for themselves or make the big decisions that will determine the course of their treatment.

That means YOU are the person who will likely have to make these very hard decisions on their behalf. No pressure, right?

Clearly, this is a LOT of pressure. So, the question is: How do you get ready? You may have already heard about things like advance directives, living wills, doctor’s orders, power of attorney, healthcare proxy, and on and on. All the things that people SHOULD do to prepare for advanced illness and end-of-life.

The problem is it’s all really intimidating and more than a little bit overwhelming.

in End-of-Life 0 comments

April 19, 2016June 12, 2016 by Anne Tumlinson

3 Strategies to Overcome the Most Stressful Part of Daughterhood

There is almost nothing in life more stressful than feeling like you are 100 percent responsible for a situation over which you have zero control.

This is happening a lot these days in my house because somehow, somewhere, my daughter has grown into a teenager and I’ve lost control of all but the biggest decisions in her life.

At least she’s my daughter and I am nominally in charge. So as stressful as it is, it’s only a fraction of the stress women face when they feel like they’re entirely responsible for their parents’ health and safety, but, at the same time, have no control over their parents behavior or the choices they make.

This is a recipe for a nervous breakdown — when you have all of the responsibility but none of the authority!

in Navigating Change and Letting Go 10 comments