Daughterhood Blog - Daughterhood

May 23, 2018May 23, 2018 by Anne Tumlinson

Caring for Aging Parents – A Sibling’s Survival Guide

There are many heartbreaking moments to navigate when our parents start to depend on us for care. But few are as painful as fighting with our siblings.

This doesn’t always happen. Sibling relationships can be a source of strength and comfort as parents grow older. But, more often than not, friends tell me about severe conflicts they have with their brothers and sisters, and the suffering it causes.

Like so much to do with caregiving, these clashes often come as a surprise. No one imagines that by caring for their aging parents, they’ll be thrust into such emotionally charged interactions with their siblings. It’s such a shock to go from seeing family once a year over the holidays to navigating our parents needs together daily.

Taking care of parents puts incredible stress on interactions between adult children. The fragile scaffolding of sibling relationships, so carefully constructed over a lifetime, often comes crashing down.

May 17, 2018May 16, 2018 by Anne Tumlinson

3 Mantras Every Caregiver Needs

If you are caring for aging parents, there are many websites and books you can use to get smart about how to manage and provide care for them.

But, it’s a good idea to remember that no matter how much planning you do, there’s no substitute for experience. Research is important but it’s overrated as a predictor of success. So, don’t feel bad if you can’t get a handle on all the stuff you feel like you need to know. So much of this work happens by just living it.

Because the cost of forgetting this truth is so high, I need mantras to help me feel less overwhelmed in the face of so much to do and learn.

in Common Challenges / Navigating Change and Letting Go 3 comments

May 10, 2018May 10, 2018 by Anne Tumlinson

What Caregivers Really Want Their Friends to Know

Remember when your first friends entered parenthood and you thought they seemed so boring and self-absorbed.

And, then… you had a baby and you got it?

Well, that’s happening again. Only this time, it’s because some of us have started taking care of our aging parents. And others are wondering what happened to their fun friends.

The truth is, caring for aging parents is an experience that’s hard to relate to unless you’re going through it. None of us can easily imagine just what life is like with a parent who needs help doing the simplest things like eating, getting in and out of bed or god forbid, going to the bathroom.

in Common Challenges / Feeling Guilty / Feeling Overwhelmed / Uncategorized 25 comments

July 20, 2017July 5, 2018 by Anne Tumlinson

Ending Loneliness in Caregiving

Other than death of a loved one, few things are more disorienting than making the shift from being cared for by your parents to caring for them.

This transition is made even more challenging because it usually comes as such a surprise. And it’s not just the biologically wired blind spot we have against our parents’ vulnerability. It’s the utter shock that, when it happens, there’s no place to turn for help. It’s like trying to climb a rock face without any toeholds or crevices where you can grab on, and then scaling it without a net.

The problem with our aging system is that even though there’s a lot of information out there to help, the situations most caregivers confront are so incredibly complex, unique and specific (e.g., Why won’t rehab providers accept my Dad?) that they can’t find exactly what they need. Or they want the one exact right answer to a very complex question that doesn’t have right answers.

May 10, 2017March 29, 2018 by Anne Tumlinson

The Burden of “Self-Care”

Every time I turn on my computer I see some story or advice about the importance of self-care, especially for women.

We read about how Arianna Huffington is on us to get more sleep, which has the effect of keeping me up all night worrying about the bad things that will happen to me if I don’t. Or this doozy from Christiane Northrup where she advises caregivers to be sure to eat a balanced diet, get exercise and “indulge” themselves.

The job of taking care of aging parents can be a total life destroyer. It takes your money, your time, your ability to work, your friends, your relationships, your ability to do the things that you love, or to take a rest.

in Common Challenges / Feeling Guilty / Feeling Overwhelmed / Navigating Change and Letting Go / Uncategorized 24 comments

April 19, 2017November 2, 2017 by Anne Tumlinson

Don’t be Surprised by Medicare’s Out-of-Pocket Costs

My friend Quentin Fottrell is the Moneyologist columnist over at MarketWatch. He recently shared with his facebook group a reader question about whether a woman should help her 75-year-old sister with medical-related credit card debt.

Two commenters asked, “Why does she have medical costs? Isn’t she on Medicare?” They thought that Medicare covered most healthcare costs for older adults.

Unfortunately, this simply isn’t true. While Medicare is the primary health insurer for most older adults, it only pays a part of the healthcare bill. There are three kinds of out-of-pocket costs that we face!

in Medicaid / Medicare / Paying for Care / Resources / Uncategorized 2 comments

March 1, 2017April 24, 2018 by Anne Tumlinson

Throwing In The Towel: The 6 Most Important Questions to Ask When You Want to Quit Caregiving

I don’t know anyone who feels like they can just up and quit taking care of a loved one who needs it. The very nature of this role is that it’s not something you choose.

That doesn’t mean that we don’t often, or even always, wish we could get off the caregiving train. The work’s not fun. It’s unrelenting, hard and requires tremendous sacrifice.

Often in life, quitting can be a healthy thing to do… ending a toxic relationship, leaving a miserable job, or even moving on from a comfortable career so that you can do something more rewarding.

But, there are also times when we, either can’t or don’t really want to stop. We just need to find some way for the pressure, fear, and exhaustion to ease up a little.

If this is your situation, here are 6 questions you need to ask yourself.

in Common Challenges / Feeling Guilty / Feeling Overwhelmed / Navigating Change and Letting Go / Uncategorized 15 comments

December 21, 2016February 26, 2019 by Anne Tumlinson

4 Tips for Talking to Your Parents About Death

Earlier this year, I wrote a blog about how important it is to prepare for end-of-life decisions you might have to make on behalf of your parents. I wrote about advance directives, and having important conversations with doctors and family.

I culled so much good advice from books and articles that it inspired me to talk to my own family.

Here’s how that went down.

Me to Dad: So, Dad, I’m writing a blog about preparing for end-of-life decisions and it occurred to me that we haven’t really talked about what you and mom want.
Dad: You think we’re DYING!?
(End of conversation)

Me to Sister: So, I’ve figured this all out. I’ll tell Mom and Dad that you should be the financial power of attorney because you’re good with money and I’ll be the healthcare power of attorney because I’m good with healthcare
Sister: * ? *
Me: Oh, see, I was thinking we should get Mom and Dad to focus on creating their advance directives — you know, end-of-life planning
Sister: Is there a book I can read about this?
Me: You know I’m an expert, right? Don’t you trust me?
(End of conversation)

in Common Challenges / End-of-Life / Feeling Guilty / Feeling Overwhelmed / Navigating Change and Letting Go / Resources 3 comments

October 26, 2016October 26, 2016 by Anne Tumlinson

3 Medicare Benefits You MUST Know About

“What do you mean Medicare doesn’t cover this?” My friend Sarah was caught off guard when I told her that her parent’s health insurance program doesn’t cover her parents’ care.

What I explained is that there’s a lot Medicare doesn’t cover and one of the biggest gaps is the ongoing, long-term care that people need when they become frail or disabled.

This care is expensive! Hiring someone to help with cooking, laundry, transportation or personal hygiene can cost around $20 per hour!

So what do families do? Well, one of two things. They pay for this care out of their savings… or much of the time, DAUGHTERS PROVIDE THE CARE THEMSELVES.

In fact, new research shows that most of the really frail older adults in this country don’t live in a nursing home. Most live at home and the vast majority — 2/3rds to 3/4s — are being cared for ONLY by family members — unpaid.

in Common Challenges / Medicare / Navigating Change and Letting Go / Paying for Care / Uncategorized 4 comments

October 13, 2016December 21, 2017 by Anne Tumlinson

3 Reasons You Might Not Be Getting the Help You Need

It’s 5 am on a Saturday morning and I’m lying awake with that cold, sweaty, anxious feeling that comes from deep existential angst masquerading as too many things to do. I know something has to change – that there’s GOT to be another way to look at my life..to live so that panic isn’t my default emotional channel.

One of the good things about being almost 50 is that I can look back on the last 20 years and realize that being anxious all the time doesn’t change much, regardless of what I’ve got on my plate. In other words, my responsibilities have always felt like too much, even when I was taking math tests in 5th grade.

in Common Challenges / Feeling Guilty / Feeling Overwhelmed / Uncategorized 9 comments