Caring for Aging Parents – A Sibling’s Survival Guide
There are many heartbreaking moments to navigate when our parents start to depend on us for care. But few are as painful as fighting with our siblings.
This doesn’t always happen. Sibling relationships can be a source of strength and comfort as parents grow older. But, more often than not, friends tell me about severe conflicts they have with their brothers and sisters, and the suffering it causes.
Like so much to do with caregiving, these clashes often come as a surprise. No one imagines that by caring for their aging parents, they’ll be thrust into such emotionally charged interactions with their siblings. It’s such a shock to go from seeing family once a year over the holidays to navigating our parents needs together daily.
Taking care of parents puts incredible stress on interactions between adult children. The fragile scaffolding of sibling relationships, so carefully constructed over a lifetime, often comes crashing down.
And long buried grievances come up for air.
The estrangement of a sibling is scary because it tugs on the primitive fear of losing connection to your tribe, to the people who are supposed to stick with you no matter what, to be there when everything else falls away.
I suppose the good news is that the pain a relationship causes is directly related to the opportunity for healing. The conflict that makes you want to throttle your sister or brother sits in the crosshairs of where you can most effectively aim your efforts for change and reconciliation.
This week, I’ve asked our readers to share their insights and experiences in building better sibling relationships, and avoiding conflict in the face of aging parents. Here are their suggestions and a few of my own.
Try to Operate as a Team.
Management experts agree that high performing teams always set clear roles and responsibilities, take advantage of diverse skill sets and insist on good communication. It turns out that the most encouraging stories about sibling relationships include at least one of these elements.
In our FB live interview, Maria Shriver shared with me that, when she was taking care of her parents, she and her brothers set up weekly phone check-ins to discuss pending decisions and things that needed to be done.
One reader told me that she and her sisters call their collective efforts “sisterpower” and convene regularly over www.freeconference.com. They make a point to lift each other’s spirits with funny stories.
Another told me that she and her siblings divide up tasks according to their different strengths and skills. And they make a point of staying in communication as much as possible.
Scheduling a regular call and setting ground rules and rituals around the call time can go a long way towards easing tension. For example, you could plan to end each call by sharing what you most appreciate about each other.
Get Professional Help
Of course conflicts between siblings can make operating as a team difficult. (Also keep in mind that conflicts are much more likely to arise if your parent has dementia or Alzheimers, given the high stress of that situation.)
In these situations, it’s especially important to consider investing in a family counselor – preferably before conflicts become too insurmountable. This is NOT a frivolous expense. Getting help from someone trained in mediation and family therapy can make all the difference.
Counseling can be done over the phone too! Check with your local area agency on aging to get recommendations.
And the Daughterhood doctor, Dr. Leslie Kernisan (“Dr. K”)– who writes Better Health While Aging — reminded me how helpful it can be to have a formal agreement in place to support the sibling who is making a bigger financial sacrifice than the others. If your brother has quit his job to be a full-time caretaker for your mom, how will he be protected against a loss in income and retirement savings?
In these situations, it can be helpful to involve a good family law or elder law attorney to make sure everyone’s protected and has a common legal understanding. Also, Dr. K referred me to guidelines for a “personal care agreement” on the Family Caregiver Alliance website. Check out this important resource.
Be Conscious.
Dr. Francine Russo wrote a book called, They’re Your Parents, Too! How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy. In it, she reminds us how important it is to remember that families are imperfect and to develop strategies to cope with imperfection rather than operating under a “Norman Rockwell” fantasy.
This book has a lot of valuable advice. But, my favorite recommendation is to “examine your own role in your sibling dynamic.” For example do you minimize or criticize whatever your sibling does because if you admit how much she does, you’ll feel guilty? Do you do too much, refuse to ask for help and then play the martyr? Do you shy away from setting boundaries and then act out of rage that you are being taken for granted?
Check Out: Three Reasons You Might Not be Getting the Help You Need
and
5 Lessons in Setting Boundaries that Every Caregiver Must Learn
In other words, notice your own emotional reactions and be conscious about them. This is the first step towards peace.
Curb the Bitterness
For me, the absolute most toxic belief I’ve ever held is, “They don’t appreciate me.”
I found that my need to be seen and appreciated is so primal and…. it’s also bottomless. But, I know that ultimately, the only appreciation that can fill the hole is what I show myself and others, not what I’ve receive.
You’ll find some tips on handling resentment in this supercaregivers.com article “Caregiver Sibling Resentment When Looking After Elderly Parents: Is This You?”.
If you’re feeling very brave, you can check out the The Work by Byron Katie who coaches us to look inward at our beliefs and question the judgments we make about others. It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done but has brought me the greatest peace internally and externally.
Another wonderful website is losingapuzzlepiece.com. It’s a great chronicle of the power of caregiving siblings coming together in the face of grief and a beautiful portrait of the depth and beauty of sibling love.
You can also download here our one-page Siblings Survival Guide for Daughterhood and put it on your fridge. When you look at it, imagine that we’re all having a cup of tea or a glass of wine together and know you’re not alone.
Marianne Williamson calls relationships, “….places where the wounds that we hold will be brought up because that’s the only way they can be healed.” In no situation will you be more challenged to do this than with your sisters and brothers as together you care for your aging parents and share this final transition of your first family.
So be brave, be real and do your best to find a path forward with your brothers and sisters. But, if you can’t, go easy on yourself and them. As Ram Dass says, “we’re all just walking each other home.”
Thank you for this wonderful blog post! Siblings are so important and we are glad that you are giving us so many tips on staying strong and united!
The words that hit hardest in this piece are “navigating our parents needs together daily.” I envy families where all the siblings participate in the care of their parent(s). That is not the case in my family — of my mother’s four children there is only one navigating her needs. The other three, who live only minutes away, are her phone friends who check in on her at their convenience. This is the most difficult path I’ve ever traveled.
Yes, I agree. It would be a dream if I could talk with my sibling and share the responsibility. My sibling thinks my mom’s care is more of a nuisance rather then a loving obligation. She checks in here and there when she has time for a few mins and then goes on with her life. I, on the other hand, have to make sure mom’s needs are being met and she’s getting help. I don’t have a choice. It’s what is needed. I cannot ignore it or pass on the responsibility. It’s all on me. Sadly, it will never change with my sibling. She does not have the skills or empathy. It’s the most painful time in my life.
Right on Sister!! I totally relate…I have two sisters like yours! Too late for them to grow up. I’m where you are and yes, it’s painful and stressfull to say the least! I’m like you, dealing with the hard reality. Bless You!
I’m in your shoes and I’ve reached out with no help only excuses. I have kids at home still and I’m missing out with my children because I get no help and Mom can’t be left alone. Any suggestions I’ll take.
You are not alone. Take peace in the knowledge that your’re doing your best for those you love. I tell myself daily the best thing for my parents, my family, and myself is grace and understanding..
Nice blog and interesting to hear that I’m not alone in the “alone” situation.
I was the sole caretaker for my mom out of the five daughters she had. I was lucky to have a very caring husband who doted on my mother. She recently passed. She had not reached a stage where she needed constant looking after. Other than not being able to cook for herself, and getting a bit frail, she contentedly and peacefully lived with us for the last year and a half. I know her one regret was not seeing her other children as often as she liked. Visits were a highlight for her where she could catch up on the lives of her grandchildren and greatgrandchildren. My siblings were grateful that I took care of my mother, but it was a disappointment that they did not share the responsibility of caring for her in the way she needed most….the social interactions of family. I often thought about how I would cope had my mother lived long enough to need more of me in the way of caregiving without the support of siblings to share in the burden. Because my mother often said she didn’t want to be a burden to anyone as she aged, I feel she gifted that to me by her choice. I thoroughly empathize with those that are supporting and caring for aged parents. Its a hard and often lonely job.
I was on the other end of this living 2 1/2 hours away from my father who passed on July 30th 2017. My brother was primary care giver sense he was 15 years of age he passed five years on December 18th 2012. My sister was the closet so she therefore became care giver, not to the extent that my brother did because my father ended up in a care facility 10 years or so before his death. not to down grade the care my sister did for the last 5 years by any means, just to give prospective. After my brother passed I was making a trip every other weekend to help out in any way i could and give my sister a break. In time I noticed my sister becoming more and more distant and agitated by me. My father ended up in the hospital April 2016. From that point on my sister became more and more distant and in the end wants nothing to do with me. I would also like to point out my Mother took sides. She has been divorced from my father for 45 years. Never had a kind word for my father and yet she was at his bed side when he died not me. My sister, mother and niece made it unbearable for me to be there. I feel cheated. My sister contacted me in November to notify me of a blanket that she had made out of my fathers shirts and gave to my sister in-law to give me. In the note she also included that if I felt obligated I could pay her $75.00 for it. I in turn paid it forward to the genetic legacy project for stem-cell research for quadriplegics in memory of my father. Her next message to me was (lets do this, Lets get together and hash this out. You name the time and place and if you need a therapist there I will pay!!) I wrote this time line of the events that happened rather then meeting, feeling still raw and not trusting in her motives.
Tracey: “HASHING IT OUT”
I write with reference to April 26th 2016. I tried to call you a couple of times after the request you made for me to come down and stay with dad until he got released. (This was before his surgery) after two phone calls your response to me both times was you were too busy to talk to me.
On the day of his surgery I left my house at 5:15am to be there before 8:00am. I was under the understanding that his surgery was at 8:00am.
Do to unforeseen traffic, roadblocks, and construction I was running late. I text you a message to let you know that I wanted to talk to dad before they put him under. I did not receive an answer from you so I called the hospital. You picked up the phone and I asked you if you received my message and you said no that you did not have your phone.
Shortly after that you text me on the phone that you told me you did not have, and stated that his issues were complicated and that’s why they have websites like caring bridge so you can go there and find out what’s going on. I have shared this statement with many friends, family, and my counselor. There reaction was one in the same as mine that this made me feel as though I was less of a daughter and more like a distant relative or friend.
Your response to me after I responded to your text was; that I don’t have the slightest idea of how difficult it has been for you and you’re family and caring for dad. GAME ON!!!
From the time I walked into that room until your email almost a year after dad was admitted, I felt that you have followed through with those words.
1. In the first waiting room you attacked me and told me to go home several times.
2. In the cafeteria you sat there while mom attacked me, and told me what a rotten person and a liar I am and that what I had to say didn’t matter and I was not allowed to speak or defend myself, and from this moment on that you would have no more contact with me other then group texting. (Again feeling like a distant relative or friend) After you left she attacked me again.
3. In the second waiting room mom showed up and you told her that there were seats over by me and she could sit with me. Mom proceeded to say out loud IM NOT SITTING OVER THERE NEXT TO HER!!! Then both of you laughed out loud.
4. Later after dad came out from surgery you asked me if I was staying or leaving. I told you I was staying and you told me I could stay at Jackie’s. At this point you made it very clear to me that I was no longer welcome in your home.
5. Six days later you told me you didn’t like the way I was acting and thought it was best that we had no communication at all. To be honest with you I think I acted like any normal person would after being treated in the manner in which I was treated. Hurt, on my guard and upset, etc. etc. My question to you would be how would you feel if all this was happening to you when you don’t know if you father is going to live or die?
6. I did block you, Allie, and mom, from my phone. I did this to protect my self from any more attacks. I unblocked a week later per advised by my counselor. With very little knowledge on face book I did not know that I had to re- friend in order to be friends. I re-friend you and you accepted and then weeks later you blocked me.
7. Between April 26th and July 25th your daughter attacked me on a regular bases stating I had anger issues, I am toxic, and troubled, and hateful. At one point she called me a fu**ing bi**h. I couldn’t take any more and I called her equally if not a more harsh word. Looking back I regret what I said. I contacted you and asked you to tell her to back off, and your response was, “I saw your first few words and stopped reading and didn’t consider it to be your problem”. Although she is 30 and she is responsible for her own actions you still have a responsibility of how she treats and respects family. Our father passed and I do deserve to morn our fathers passing in peace. Empathy is a skill that increases with practice. The more you try to understand others, the better you will become at relating to them. I have yet to receive any of this.
8. July 23rd you text me to talk about dad also stating times you were available like I had to make an appointment with you. When I asked what you wanted to talk about and why after all this time when you wanted no communication with me. You shot me off a list of how I hurt you. The list consisted of me not talking to you in the hallway at the hospital, not wishing you happy birthday, and not reaching out to you on the death of Chloe. To my recollection you did not want any contact with me six days after dads surgery. I guess I am confused or I didn’t under stand the rules to GAME ON!!
By the way in that text never one word about dad just how I hurt you and then blamed me for trying to pick a fight.
9. Upon the arrival to the hospital when palliative care was being put in place I had hoped that some how you and I would come together. I was wrong you made it very clear you didn’t want me there, you could hardly make eye contact with me and I felt as though I didn’t exist. Example when the palliative care person was talking about dad and how much she knew about him, and we were all in a group you pointed out every one there that helped and assisted in dads care and you looked at me and turned away and said nothing. You included mom a woman who has had for the last 45 years said nothing but hateful mean nasty things about him. Even after that I still hoped when Marilyn made us embrace that we would come together as we did when we lost Tom. You turned your back on me and walked out of the room and said have a nice flight. At that point I knew I could not stay and endure any more pain other then the loss of our father.
10. After the loss of our father you sent out a memorial/thank you card with a picture of you and your family and mom and dad on it, I guess you were the only survived family he had. WOW.
11. The attacks did not stop there. Our mother sent me one of the worst text a daughter could receive only three weeks after the death of our father how she was going to destroy my life and marriage and again called me a liar. She did not send me condolence for the loss of our father. Allie is still at it, she sent me a mean and nasty email on the anniversary of dad’s death. Her claims are that I am troubled, hateful, angry, and toxic. As fare as I can tell I am not the one with the problem. She and mom have no morals, or one ounce of empathy or respect for my loss.
As I said in my first email;
The difference between where you are relative to what happened at the hospital and afterward are that now you say you are “over” what happened. Well I’m not so sure you would be over it if all this happened to you with out any acknowledgment or ownership of what took place. All I received from you was that I had chaos in my life and you hoped I would find peace and in peace we could find a relationship. You made no attempt or acknowledgement on how I hurt. I believe you said that you agreed on some of the things I said and some not and that didn’t matter. I took that as a dismissal if my feelings. I would have to say that I have found peace by keeping my distance from those that have hurt me, but I will never find peace in any of what took place unless there is ownership taken for the hurt that I endured. I do not believe that I have judged or attacked other than on the one incident with Allie and as implied my regret in doing so. I am also tired of being labeled as a troubled, hateful, angry, and toxic person.
Speaking with kind words and ownership go hand and hand. This can be the difference between hurting someone’s feelings and offending someone and by saying something thoughtful you will almost always be considered.
Apologize when you make mistakes. Own it. Its normal to make mistakes, but it is impotent to acknowledge your mistakes and how they impact others.
I have received none of the above from you, mom, or Allie. I feel as though you have a clean slate in all of this and you have nothing to apologize for or take ownership of, after all this is all because of my chaos, hatefulness, toxic, angry, troubled disposition. I am to blame for all that was bestowed upon me.
You, Allie, and Mom deserted me at one of the most important times in ones life. The loss of our father. I would take a good hard look at this letter and tell me who decided to not communicate and
Who has the toxic, troubled behavior? I would also like to point out your gesture of the blanket it would have been more effective if you had not mentioned money. The only way I could feel comfortable in keeping it was making that donation in memory of dad. I would like to point out who paid for the necklace you now where around your neck and never asked for a dime. It was a gesture of kindness and a gift from my heart in memory of our brother.
I feel that I have said every thing I have to say. I don’t think that a counseling session would help before I would have been able to get my point across as clear as I have in this letter. I am still very hurt, and if you cannot except and take some ownership in what took place then I don’t believe we can move forward. If you are still interested in a counseling after my letter I would consider it. As far as payment it would be fair to split.
After sending this letter she contacted me and told me that she read the first few paragraphs and stopped reading. She told me that i was stuck and sick. The other thing she told me is her purpose in meeting with me was to set me straight on my cabin which she has no vested interest in. she wanted to blind side me and attack, attack, attack. My response to her was this.
Tracey,
Definition: HASHING IT OUT!
“To talk about something, to find a solution, to discuss your differences.
I believe I did just that when I sent you that letter before we met so that you knew just what my grievances were. You tried to deceive me into thinking that we were going to talk about our problem. Instead I find out that you wanted to meet with me to set me straight on something that is none of your business. Once again attack, attack, and attack. Your sole purpose is to once again hurt me.
I know that I sit in the other seat on primary care giver. we all make choices in our lives weather it be where we live or how much time we can give but in the end I don’t believe that those of us sitting in that seat deserve disrespect and unkind words or actions.
I am currently doing everything by myself. When I had enough, a few years ago and told my parents that, as I was not an only child, I expected some help from the older child in my family, everything worked fine for a while. One parent then got sick and had to be forced to stop driving. Sibling did nothing for support- just started attacking me about the driving, blaming me for their dementia. Victim of smear campaign, victim of assault. It is less stressful to just do it myself than deal with the drama and never knowing when my words will be twisted. The ones who work it out are probably the siblings who had a halfway decent relationship to begin with, but there has always been resentment and bullying. My mom says it’s like the family is no more. I only have one relative left and this situation just adds to the stress and grief that goes along with being a caregiver.
I think the breaking points came last summer when I asked my brother to help my parents in a very specific (and minor) way and he told me to “go f@^k yourself'” Fabulous. This was a few short weeks before my Dad’s most recent cardiac adventure which landed him in the ICU. When I called my brother to let him know what had happened and ask him to come down, he told me that he was hosting a cocktail party in his new home and was unavailable. Horrible. Unconscionable. Incredibly painful. And very clear.
A very wise friend once told me that “returning to a well that has no water is not a useful endeavor”. I suppose the corollary of that statement is: “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” I think the question for many of us with fantastically unsupportive siblings is how to love our parents, do the work that must be done to help them and to not (internally) feel like the doormats of deadbeat brothers and sisters? I have come to realize that my brother will never ‘be there’, he will never validate my rage and sadness and that he will never be supportive in any of the ways I wish he would. I know this, so….if I continue to invite and absorb his rejection, if I continue to take on his ‘crazy’, if I spend a lot of time festering about his disregard and brutality, how does this help me? How does this help my parents?
My brother and I are both adopted so perhaps it is an easier stretch for me to say that the families we create -through choices, love and commitment, are often different from the families that are created through biology (or adoption). I am alone in the care of my parents. My brother has made his choice and I have made mine. The cost of caring for my parents is huge -in so many ways- but I do have a circle of friends -and the friends of my parents- who help as they can. They are my family, my real family, my real brothers and sisters.
This is a lonely time, and there is so much more I need to feel healthy, whole and supported. I do, however, know that continuing to invite my brother’s abuse, continuing to return to that well where there is no water, is one more cost that I do not have to bear. That choice is mine.
When you have 1 sibling that is so greedy that she would lie, forge,steal and attempt to isolate her mother from the rest of the siblings, it is sickening. Then secret funding is obtained from the ILLINOIS DEPARTMENT on AGING, and with this funding , the one sibling violates numerous Federal and State laws.
The Judges are as corrupt as the day is long. It is a crying shame that the very State Agency that is supported to be helping SENIOR CITIZENS, but instead they are screwing them.
Thanks for sharing this, Anne! Siblings should work together as a team and should avoid conflicts when taking care of an aging parent. Your tips will surely help a lot of adult children and siblings trying their best to carry out caregiving duties. We’ve included this in our monthly digest featuring top solutions to aging and long term care. Hope you can check it out: http://www.altcp.org/aging-long-term-care/.
Hi Samantha, Thanks for your kind words and the link in your “spot on article” 🙂 .
Everyone’s experience is different…or the same….as others. My goal is to respect my ageing Mom and love, help, and respect her as much as I can while dealing with my two sisters who give me no love or respect. If you are an adult sibling and you haven’t grown up enough to put others ahead of yourself (especially those you owe a big gratitude to like a Mom who loved you) and you choose to hold on to past grievances and resentments then there is probably no
hope for change. I am a realist so I choose to protect myself and my Mom from two sisters who will never get
it. I don’t expect the selfishness and arrogance of my two sisters to suddenly disappear just because our Mother is elderly and needs our help.
But you may also have other less conscious, emotional needs that can actually make things harder for you. For example, if you feel you must make your Mom happy—when she ? s never been a happy person or has suffered painful losses—you may be setting yourself up for an impossible task. You can make sure your parents are well cared for, but it isn ? t your job—nor is it always possible—to make them happy.
We have a horrible sister in our family of 5 siblings. She is the youngest and don’t even have custody of her children because she is so crazy and we think pretends to be that way to receive government benefits. It is sad but she pushes our parents to the breaking point. We all, even them, have had to block her phone number but she keeps getting another line, we think internet free phone lines.
I have warned her now in writing to stop harassing me and making up crazy lies about sending the police to my home to retrieve items that belong to her, trust me there isn’t anything at my home that is or was hers.
My parents have supported her for many years, she is 41 now and still harps on them. My mom is 78 and my dad is 81 and this girl has made their last few years a living hell. She has even physically attacked them in front of other people. It is just gut wrenching to see this and not know how to stop it.
If anyone knows of a legal remedy or even a solution that works we need advise. I am the oldest child and she is considerably younger than I am and my health isn’t so good. She accuses me of all kinds of crazy things. I work full time and she calls my job, my home and post evil things online that I fear will insight people that don’t really have all the facts and they only believe in certain ways to handle people – it is scary.
Scared in Louisiana…
Well, I don’t have any siblings. No one to squabble with or share life experiences. Sounds as if I might be “lucky”, but it sure doesn’t feel like it. My mom died from alzheimer’s complications about three years ago (single/divorced), and now my alcoholic distant dad is falling every few months and sending me into the depths of anxiety, anger, and depression. He pays people out of pocket to “clean” the place; of course they gripe to me about increasing demands and needs he has. I say, well, take it or leave it he’s paying you 27 bugs an hour out of pocket which is more than anyone in the middle of nowhere in New Mexico makes…so yes, thank you for taking care of my Dad, but if you don’t want to do it then quit. Of course neither of them do, but want constant praise and pats on the back. I have half a mind to move in with him and fire them, but he’s a jerk and so I will just let things be for the time-being. He has broken his wrist, cracked his skull, totalled his car, jacked up his shoulder from falling in the shower, and torn up his knee and broken his pelvis ….all in separate falls over the last two years. His “independent living” in his own home is a Big Fat Joke.
These are such great tips. Thank you. Working with siblings in this way can be such a struggle at times. It is important to be proactive.
This is such a helpful post! Elder care mediation can also be a great way to work through caring for parents with your siblings. I found a helpful blog post for those who might need it!