Daughterhood: The Ultimate Career Disrupter
The idea of “daughterhood” as a career-disrupter occupies little social media, blogging, and media real estate relative to motherhood. BUT, being a daughter can wreck a woman’s professional plans faster than anyone can say, “lean in,” or “play big.”
Taking care of an aging parent is the furtive, not-talked-about “de-railer” of women’s careers — not to mention their own health and sanity. I write and talk a lot about caring for the frail elderly. It’s what I have been doing for the past 20 years.
Here’s what I know about how this new life challenge takes the motherhood-career dilemma and makes it look like small time problems.
It’s all about dignity
Assuming you find a loving, nurturing and competent caregiver, your 6-month- old daughter is not suffering the indignity of being taken care of by another human being. She doesn’t mind if some nice person changes her diaper.
But, the end of life transition from independence to dependence for a frail older adult is terrifying to experience and to observe. Our desire to preserve the dignity of our parents through this process completely and totally dwarfs any professional or personal ambition.
This context makes it really hard emotionally (not to mention financially) to offload personal caregiving tasks to paid staff. Even if you find a trusted caregiver, there is much more angst about how it makes your parent feel to have that person in charge of such personal activities.
That translates into leaning AWAY from professional challenges to protect your parents.
It’s complicated
Once you’ve had to take care of a parent, you should receive the following honorary degrees: MSW, MBA, MD, JD because you will become a social worker, doctor, lawyer and manager for your family. It’s seriously time-consuming.
I have a friend who told me his wife quit her (really good) job to manage a staff of 10 when her mother was in the end stage of Alzheimers.
Any frail older adult is going to have a ton of medical issues that need constant attention and medications that have to be tracked and monitored. You’ll find yourself making medical decisions you do.not.feel.qualified to make.
That’s because the health care system sucks. So the odds of finding a medical team or doctor to actually take ownership over your parent’s medical care, to coordinate this care, to talk to you… are… well … gosh they are ZERO.
It’s crazy lonely
I don’t want to say that motherhood isn’t lonely because it can be. Especially if you are at home with kids. But, from a numbers perspective, there are actually quite a lot of us in this situation – raising kids.
Taking care of an elderly parent is less common. That will shift soon with demographics but, right now, chances are that you don’t have many friends with whom you can compare notes or get advice.
Coming soon is a website that will give you the scoop that I give my girlfriends when they are in this situation. I want you to know what the pros know so that you can survive daughterhood and balance your parents’ dignity and safety with your job and immediate family.
So, please like and follow Anne Tumlinson Innovations on Facebook to get great tips and updates about the new website.
I cared for my mother for six years, an elderly friend for five years, and am now helping my closest friend in caring for two parents with Alzheimer’s/dementia. Thank you for your helpful post.
Great insights, Anne…. Your personal experience, combined with your incomparable professional knowledge about the service, economic, and policy issues involved should make you a unique, one woman public service phenomenon! Best wishes. I bet you help a lot of people for generations to come….Larry Minnix, LeadingAge
I retired from 43 years of nursing in May 2014. I had experience in all nursing disciplines with the last 13 years in Home Health and most recently Quality Assurance. I continue to advise friends on resources available for the care of their parents. I live in a rural area with limited resources but I have also advised a friend in a large metropolitan area. I look forward to the insight your blog promises to offer. ( I also am a big fan of your aunt Gwen Clarke!)
I followed my husband to take care of his mother. I’ve given up my career and live miles from any place. I’ve questioned this decision daily. My own health has plummeted. Our finances are a wreck. And I truly miss my identity.
My 97 year-old mother passed yesterday. She had lived with me for 18 months after my Father died. The first few months were fine, then she needed more help and supervision so I hired a caregiver to stay with her while I continued working FT. My goal was to keep her out of a nursing home as long as possible. I had debated retiring but since money was available decided it made more sense for me to continue working and receiving benefits (health care) through work. Very lucky to have great caregivers through the agency I used. Of course, even so, I had more unscheduled absences than I had in the previous 40+ years of working. Now that she is gone I’m glad my decision to continue working has apparently worked out. No guarantees….
Cheryl, So sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. You’ve done one of the hardest things – keeping your career together while caring for someone you love. I know you know your caregiving journey doesn’t end here- the grieving, of course, never really ends and you seem wise enough to know that your facing tons of “Life adjustment” . As you say, there are no guarantees but wish you the best. Please stay active in our community we need your hard earned wisdom.
I was fortunate to have very good friends who had gone down the same road many years earlier, their insight and suggestions were most helpful! In addition, there were adequate funds available to pay for some in-home care, and I had accidentally assembled a great team of professionals to help too. Fear of running out of money too soon is a major issue. At least with children you have an idea if how many years you will be needed for support. I think we all need to consider what an exit strategy may look like.