
The Burden of “Self-Care”
Every time I turn on my computer, I see some story or advice about the importance of self-care, especially for women.
We read about how Arianna Huffington is on us to get more sleep, which has the effect of keeping me up all night worrying about the bad things that will happen to me if I don’t. Or this doozy from Christiane Northrup where she advises caregivers to be sure to eat a balanced diet, get exercise and “indulge” themselves.
Let’s be real for a moment. The job of taking care of aging parents can be a total life destroyer. It takes your money, your time, your ability to work, your friends, your relationships, your ability to do the things you love, or even to take a rest.
Maybe you can see why I don’t think it’s particularly helpful for a celebrity doctor to remind us to take care of ourselves. It’s like telling someone wandering in the desert to be sure to drink plenty of water. It just becomes one more impossible standard against which we’re bound to fail.
Friends, there’s a whole self-care cottage industry off of which lots of folks are selling books, magazines, politics, religion, and whatever else, all by perpetrating the “Do-It-Yourself” myth that we are each of us, alone, are in charge of and responsible for ourselves and only ourselves.
The daughterhood experience is like DIY on steroids. Caregivers are overwhelmed, doing a lot of hard work all by themselves. It’s easy for all of us to buy into the notion that this is how it’s supposed to be.
Don’t believe it for a minute. The next time you feel like a failure, just remember: you’re doing a job that a strong social and community-based fabric is supposed to support. And instead of feeling like a failure, maybe just get a little mad that you’re doing it all alone.
But, for a moment, let’s consider an alternative. What would it be like if we could take care of each other in an interdependent web? A web of communities providing support through meeting places and groups where we can connect with other daughters (and sons). What if we had financial support for adult day care and home care, or if employers understood and saw themselves as part of the solution rather than being part of the problem.
It’s not that way yet. But we’re getting there, in baby steps. That’s what daughterhood circles are all about. Building a community that brings the power of friends helping friends to bare on every aspect of caregiving.
Ok, now that I’ve had my say about that, I’m going to indulge in a little self-help talk here. Rather than putting pressure on ourselves to take a break we can’t take, how about if we all just get really good at practicing extreme imperfection. Could this be the ultimate act of self-care?
Lately I’ve been obsessed by geniuses — great artists, musicians, writers and scientists, and what fuels their huge creative output and productivity. What’s really surprised me is that none of them were given any kind of smooth pathway to get their work done. In fact, usually the opposite was true. These folks suffered. They got really tired. They were ignored. They were alcoholics, depressives and insomniacs. They had failed marriages, difficult children, chronic illness, fatigue. Yet, they went ahead anyway and did their thing. They got it done. Despite life’s imperfections – or maybe because of them, their lives became something beautiful.
In other words, they didn’t glide through life drinking tea, taking naps and rising for 5 am yoga. They just slogged through and got their work done.
There is, in fact, great valor in slogging. We’re slogging through every day. Yes, it’s overwhelming but we’re getting it done. We ARE creating better lives for the people we love, despite the fatigue, despite the insecurities and the never-ending to do lists. Despite changing your Dad’s diaper twice a night. Despite the longing for retreat – for a few moments in a quiet corner with a book.
But we don’t retreat. And, this is no small thing. This is something big.
When a girlfriend and I were marveling at the challenges of parenting with post-partum depression (we both had it), we had a term for the feeling we had much of the time: “white-knuckling it.” But she said something that really buoyed me: A “white-knuckle” mom is still a really damn good mom.
So, don’t let the self-care experts dupe you into thinking there’s another thing you need to do to be better. Because even though it doesn’t feel like it, if you are slogging through life, you are succeeding wildly at it.
Friends, in the end (as the American spiritual teacher Ram Dass said), “we’re just walking each other home.” What we most need and are missing is the support of each other, and our communities. If Arianna Huffington and her posse could focus on making sure we have health insurance, job security, and adequate funding for community centers and meals on wheels, we’d all sleep a little better.
Even though I cried through parts of this article (low day)
I related to much of it and found it helpful
I had to give up perfection in order to be able to continue. My sister took care of our mother when she was going through dementia. Until I started taking care of my husband I had no idea of the toll it took on her.Now after 10 years I just do what I can. Some days I do better and most days I get it done.so as a daughter I tried to be supportive now as a wife I feel the whole range of emotion. Many difficult times but also many times of peace.
Slogging through really defined the battle. Letting go of my need to control everything. Social media is a refuge where the caregiver groups and keeping in touch with friends and family. I think I have finally resolved the anger I have that can eat away at you. Every day is a challenge some days rough other days peaceful.
When I stopped the pursuit of perfection I still felt guilty. However I am better at day to day
than I used to be. The hardest part now is watching the decline in my spouse. Knowing it will not get better. Trying to accept that we are way past getting better. Feels like giving up but knowingly trying to find the courage and strength to continue.
So accurate. And no one mentions the amount of time it takes to find and visit assisted living centers if your parent has the resources for this expensive care. The centers promise to take care is your loved one for life. What they don’t tell you is the endless fees they will keep adding and then they insist you have outside care come in on top of the outrageous fees you are now being charged for services they don’t provide. The cost and time to find outside help and supervise and pay for this help is overwhelming. And then they don’t show up and the assisted living center calls and tells you that “family” needs to come and sit with mom all night. This is after you didn’t sleep the night before and have worked all day and can barely function yourself. When you tell the assisted living center you can’t come at 10:30 and there is no other “family” they tell you you have to move your mom since she needs a higher level of care. An endless exhausting cycle. You have to worry on how to pay for this new level of care. People wonder why you don’t move your parent home. They don’t understand that your home and family is not equipped to take care of an elderly person with mobility and medical issues 24/7. And that you barely can deal with the time commitment, financial, insurance, medical, tax, paperwork, doctor appointment, etc. issues as it is. Slogging through the day is true.
Such important points, Carol. There is so much work to be done to give broader support to families with caregiving!
Unfortunatly, so know this exact experience. Went through it with my dad recently. It added so much stress during an exceptionally stressful time, (the last couple months of his life) , I now really hesitate to know what is the next best step for my mom after the Covid madness subsides? (My husband and I have been taking care of her 24/7 for the months since my dad passed.) It us all just so. damn. hard! This article resonates with me, and your comments (and the others) certainly do as well. Thanks for helping me not to feel alone and not to beat up on myself too much after a particularly rough day.🙏
Dear Anne,
As always insightful and supportive. The last thing caregivers need is the added pressure of self-help and self-criticism on top of everything they do.
I want to add two thoughts however that may not be as welcomed, but might encourage caregivers to be more open to their need for help and trying to engage more help.
First, I know I have hesitated in the past and observed other caregivers through out my life have the self fulfilling problem of no one else can do what I do. They don’t know my loved one and understand their needs etc. I have blogged about the difficulty of asking for help based on a conversation with a caregiving friend. We need to be very open about and embrace the need.
Second we should accept that people are willing and able to help if we let them. This includes friends, family, volunteers and paid services. In addition to Daughterhood circles there are a growing number of community organizations that are focused on caregivers and the people they support include Villages. That slow but emerging like minded network should not only be used but bolstered by real investments (from all the companies, agencies and organizations that benefit from the heroic efforts of caregivers) and word of mouth.
I’m all for slogging when you need to and embracing it as awesome, but let’s acknowledge sometimes we create our own slogging. It reminds me of one of my dad’s favorite quotes…”Keep your eyes on the ball, your nose to the grind stone and your shoulder to the wheel and see if your can do anything in that #%@&! position.
Thanks for everything you do to help us all stay a little bit saner!
Ann, What a Welcome and practical view. I “lost” myself taking care of my mom. It took several years for me to be willing to accept ANY help. I thought no one could do it correctly. No one could care as much as I did. No one could read her mind like I could. Plus my mom was not interested in anyone (but me) helping her. And so we went on this way. I really wasn’t certain if I could ever find myself again. I gave up all the things I loved to do, wanted to do and for a long long time it didn’t bother me one bit to give it all up for mom. Finally, I hit bottom. I was too tired to move. And really tired of hearing myself telling people again and again that no one could do what I was doing. And for absolute certainty, no one could do it as well as I was. When I finally decided it was time to accept help, the people close to me were unhappy with my decision. Change is not easy for anyone. And when I said, I needed to start stepping away, others started getting anxious. Would THEY need to do what I was doing? WHO was going to “fix” everything now? Miraculously things have worked out well. I’m able to do some of the things I’ve always wanted to do AND mom is well taken care of. But once a caregiver gets into the mindset that no one else can do it, and once everyone else “buys into that notion”, it is extremely difficult to re-write the story.
Debra, I was there with caring for my Mom. I gave up so much of my life to care for her. No one, especially siblings, understood that. In fact, my youngest brother said to me after she died “We didn’t expect you to spend so much time with her!”. It’s very difficult when you see the person who raised you (good or bad) lonely, sad, depressed and very old and frail. And, yes, sometimes you are the ONLY one who can do the job because you see that person every day and truly understand. I’m glad you have been able to “step away” and regain some of your life.
THANK YOU for your insightful words! I’m just starting out on this arduos task of taking care of my mom, and your words have really helped me. By pointing out that I should not set myself up to think that “I am the ONLY person who can do the job and do it right.” I have three other siblings (brothers) who are more than happy to sit back and let me do all the work. The situation has already begun to cause a lot of resentment and disagreements between us (whereas we used to get along so well). My stance is, I am not an only child, she’s their Mom, too. So, Thank You again because you are right, I need to re-write the story now, before I get in too deep, and unable to switch gears.
I just found this blog after searching for some support! What you said about your mom being your brothers mom too is EXACTLY what I said in therapy with my brother. I am not asking you to help me… mom is asking you to help her! I reached my breaking point this last fall and lost my ever loving shit. I literally told them both that I resented the hell out of them.. now, at the VERY least, he helps more. And, checks on me more. And I stopped just enabling. I cold turkey stopped. It was killing me, killing my mental health, physical health (which I have always tried hard to not let happen), and affected some friendships.
Due to Covid, and the above, I had to leave my job so now, I am back at her house. Which means 10000 times being asked or told to do whatever it is she wants done. I am sad but also equally thrilled to find this blog!
Jennifer, my husband and I moved his 94 year old mother in with us this past year. She needs assistance with everything and has moderate dementia(getting worse). I quit my job to stay home with her and my husband is on sabbatical and helps. It has been life changing to say the very least. We grieved the loss of our freedom, the ability to take a walk together, run to the store together. We have tried to explain to his sister how life changing this is and it seems to go right over her head. Almost as if she can’t handle knowing our reality. She lives out of state and made it clear she was not willing to take this responsibility on. I also lost my shit and let her know how I felt. I guess I just wanted some kind of recognition that what we are doing is a sacrifice…I don’t want to hear about the all inclusive vacation you and your husband are taking this fall. How about stay here with your mom so we can go on a vacation?
We reach out to friends for help but at the end of the day it’s easier to just handle things on our own because the fallout from having others come in so we can go out on a date is exhausting. Mental breakdowns followed by physical weakness and tantrums.
I guess what I’m here to say is this. I understand the knot in your stomach, the anxiety, the anger the compassion and satisfaction of knowing we are doing the right thing. So many emotions blended together in this new reality. I’m thankful there are two of us to handle this together but I miss us. Can I just add this… I am also tired of watching reruns of Gunsmoke and Andy Griffith!! Oh to be able to watch a show I like on our big tv!!! 🤣
Complaints aside, we are doing an honorable and moving thing. It’s just nice knowing there are others there going through the same thing!
OH MY GOD, Tina!!! I cannot tell you how hard I just laughed out loud and called my husband in. We are so, so tired of Gunsmoke, too! We stay overnight every other night at dad’s sitting on the couch watching Gunsmoke before going to bed on an air mattress on the living room floor to prevent him from wandering- ugh. Only positive note about that show- Miss Kitty is a bad-ass woman! 🤣🤣🤣
Thank you for helping me name the daily struggle I go thru as “slogging”. I feel like I slog everyday and found out that I really do have insomnia instead of sleep apnea. I have had siblings in my family accuse me of stealing money from my mother, who I care for 12 hours a day, with only an hired caregiver. I am stressed beyond means some days and have considered becoming an alcoholic or drug addict just to relieve some of the stress and heartache.
I believe that self-care is important and it is what you define it to be. I believe self-care is asking for help. As someone whose job it is to care for victims of sexual assault and abuse all day long, and then have to go home and care for everyone else, I see a huge difference in my energy if I miss days of yoga, getting outside, or not enough sleep. I also believe self-care is setting realistic expectations for yourself and allowing yourself the feelings you are experiencing. Self-care is whatever you need, you have to make time for it, ask for it, set a boundary around it, etc. Yes, it would be great if we had built-in support systems or friends and family who magically knew how to help us or make us feel better but we don’t that’s why we need to care for ourselves. I also believe that attending the Daughterhood Circles are a form of self-care.
You said it ALL! I’m a year and a half into caring for my spouse & I’m starting to lose it…like several months ago. I have found this blog! Thank you everyone.
Excellent article, Anne. Articulate and spot on comments as well. I personally stopped reading all of the rheeoric and lip service for care givers. We already know how to take care of ourselves what we need is help. And that could start with our current healthcare system, especially for us seniors. Having to go through so many hoops all of the time is exhausting. Fortunately, here in California help may arrive in October 2020 as Governor Newsom in June of 2019 signed an executive order to create “Master Plan For Aging”. AARP California’s priorities for the master plan: enrolling California in AARP Network of Age-Friendly communities which will help localities support residents of all ages, create a long-term care insurance program AND provide access for family caregivers, regardless of income, to help care for loved ones. All sounds good. We’ll be watching this outcome.
Thanks again for your wonderful work and web site!
Rainell
Very insightful. I love the quote from Ram Dass and am going to work it into my daily life, I.e. post it on the frig! This journey of caring for our elders can be a lonely trip. Too much time wasted feeling sorrow, anger, and confused. Your blog is a reminder not only of our own perspective, but more important to me is the sense that I am not the only one caring for an elder that sometimes feel all consumed by this role. It is jarring to reflect on lack of community in our world and families. With a burgeoning population and shrinking resources, those of us who are older are an afterthought if that. Irony is that we will all be in the position of needing loving care if we live long enough. Thank you for the forum and all you do!
Perfection is so overrated isn’t it? After all we are not perfect beings. Great article and such a perspective we as caregivers forget to look at. I for one have done none of this caregiving thing right! I get it wrong most of the time, I’m sloppy, I never do the graceful, kind hearted, wise thing I want to do. I do the opposite, even when I’m trying really really hard. So how refreshing is it to know one, I’m not the only one doing it sloppy. Two, I’m not the only one getting it wrong. And three, I’m not the only one! There is so much care and support out there we haven’t even tapped into yet! It doesn’t have to be such a inner struggle once you realize we’re all on this ride together! Grow and learn. Learn and grow. ❤️❤️❤️
“Practicing (and accepting) extreme imperfection”…sound about right to me! Thanks for making the point that “self-care” isn’t self care if I approach it as another burden…instead of internal permission for extreme imperfection!
Statement of the obvious – sons are in this as well !!
I cared for my mother for her 10 year journey through Alzheimer’s without the help of siblings.
Fortunately I had good friends from the care home family when she went into residential care.
She passed away last week with only me by her bedside because of the C-19 situation.
Look after yourself. Steve
Thank you Anne–I visit daughterhood when I can and have your printouts down in my memory by now-I stare at them everytime I slog into the office after putting my dementia sundowning mom to bed and the daughterhood.org words are there to sustain me! Wow it’s like you read our minds-you know exactly to the letter how we all feel. I work a full time job and have been the night caretaker for 4 years straight no vacation, no sibling assistance. Slog is the word! Thank you for saying the truth!
Another quote helps me too supposedly it’s from Socrates: “There is no solution. Seek it lovingly.”
Don’t you know that it so applies to watching your parents in very old age.
Self-care is work, and it puts the onus on the person to guarantee their own prosperity are focused on.
Among wellbeing deviation self-care errands, coming for treatment was simply the most requesting, and treatment, for example, controlling drugs, was the most troublesome.
Holy Universe! I needed to read this at exactly this moment. I have been struggling the last 2 weeks withy a very well intentioned women leader self-care campaign, that just wasn’t hitting me right.. and I didn’t know why or how to articulate it… and then I found THIS. Thank you for putting a light on a perspective that this reader really needed. I am so lucky to have two older siblings, a brother and a sister, to partner with on the care of both my parents journey. This gave me hope on a low day ‘Friends, in the end (as the American spiritual teacher Ram Dass said), “we’re just walking each other home.”’ THANK YOU!
Self forgiveness is my thing. Do my best with what is available, and when I fall short, loose it, or just plain let frustration have it’s day, I forgive myself. I remember that it’s a hard job, not everyone can or will do it, I’m amazing for staying at it. Good enough and barely getting by is still just as important as it being a great day. I survived and my mom is still alive. That’s good enough some days. Self forgiveness keeps me sane.
I loved reading your story plus everyone’s comments. After caring for my very frail 95 year old father who was becoming increasingly needy and dependent we looked at aged care facilities only to have three siblings refuse to consider that option despite them all living interstate or overseas. There were three of us in my marriage as Dad refused to eat on his own and insisted he join us for dinner and lunch every day and my husband was a gem to accept the fact we never managed to go on a holiday for the past three years. Now a sister who refused to attend our mother’s funeral has moved in, already tried to change legal responsibilities from me to her and has now persuaded our father to phone me and ask the family not to visit due to being a risk of transmitting Omicron. We are triple faxed in our household yet she is busily undermining our relationship. All I can do is step away and watch my father fall prey to the Stockholm Syndrome.
At least my husband and I get to eat dinner by ourselves. We might even start planning a break together. You cannot fight some battles but stepping away from him and her will keep me sane, but sad.
I have increasingly little to say to my sister who just wants to run and play while my mom and aunt (who have no one but us) are in decline. When this is all over I’m afraid our relationship will be very thin indeed. I can no longer relate to her, or to other people who now seem to me to live in an arrested state of “normalcy.”
I do not get any warm fuzzy feelings of “how much I’m rocking it” when forced to continue to associate with people who are out of touch with reality.
This is a great post! Self-care is difficult, especially for a new caregiver. I found this blog post with more: https://www.sagehomecare.com/family-caregiver-role